What kind of Safe?
Bullying all too often is underestimated - 8 min read.
You think your child is safe.
You can say it to others, you feel confident.
You feel it in your heart and your child would have told you if something was wrong. But when something happened, out of the blue, you were told it was because you didn’t know of the lie.
That is, the one your child has kept from you so well.
‘‘Bullying can have substantial impacts on victims, perpetrators and witnesses, as well as the broader social environment.”
-ReachOut Australia
Image by Canva.
When you enquire, you can’t seem to get straight answers from anybody, including your child who finally admits they have been trying really hard to hide what was happening because a threat against others they care about was made.
You are left questioning the decision to ever send your child to a physical place of education.
Maybe homeschooling wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
What about the Bully?
No parent usually wants to jump in quickly to consider why a particular bully has acted as they have.
The violence and intimidation these kids are known for causing is simply unacceptable and they don’t deserve a seat in the classroom as far as you’re concerned.
Fact is, acts of rage and violence directed at others to their detriment is never acceptable, but the right for each student to receive an equal level of education is.
And that calls for a very fine line.
It seems sometimes schools get overly focused on the latter and remain determined to provide a learning space of equal opportunity, despite how challenging or dangerous some participants are making it for the student body overall.
In some cases, kids who are bullied even minimally during a condensed time frame, can in turn re-enact similar behaviors if these actions are deemed as part of survival of the fittest.
We need to realize that when our kids attend a ‘learning environment’ this does not automatically mean they become refined examples of structure and respect because the school appears to represent this.
Teachers are trained to teach, to inform, to enlighten and do have immense impact on the students in their care however, basic attitudes toward self and others often reflect home environments before kids even attend school.
If physical abuse, name calling, belittling, stealing and foul language to name a few things, are normalized with parents, siblings and others, it is little wonder these behaviors are carried over into the school yard.
With some kids who come from very problematic home fronts tending to lash out the most.
Other things to be aware of is the learning frustrations and confusion those with ASD, ADHD and ADD have among others, that do impact widely on the ability to process, retain and learn new information.
There’s a sense of being locked in, controlled and constantly monitored at school for kids who struggle with both these areas or just the latter.
A feeling like they can’t breathe and want to break out, like they are misfits and nobody really cares about them. It can breed anger.
The Schoolyard Bully had Boundaries.
They did.
They had four walls then a bell that ended it.
After that?
That bully has lived in your child’s pocket 24/7.
In their personal space at 2 AM and in their heads with their snide remarks, over and over.
You see a doctor. Seek help. You blame yourself for not knowing.
But you are not to blame.
As a parent it is a huge responsibility to ensure our kids are safe and well cared for to the best of our ability so it’s only natural to feel like you have let your child down, even yourself.
What many don’t see is how the effects of bullying actually claw at entire communities not just the immediate victim.
Like in the case of any violence, the lives of others are always disrupted and will continue to be unless laws dictate what is unacceptable and penalties attached as outcomes.
Some might immediately think of age-related penalties.
Such as a child of 8 being too young to be made to do community service under supervision.
Of course, what levels or penalties will apply would need to be considered carefully, but if kids as young as 8 are smart enough to fixate a strategy to harm others, then no, community service is no puzzle.
With statistics like every “7 in 10 children between the ages of 12-13 as of 2016 having experienced bullying on a weekly basis”, and those figures increasing consistently, the call for greater safeguards and penalties must be instigated. (Stats from LSAC Longitudinal on the studies development of 10,000 young people)
Even now it remains a complex issue that is forcing some parents to begin re-evaluating what learning should look like with these turning to alternatives.
We mentioned the kind of bullying that occurs in secret.
Often with the victim’s compromise in place for fear of being the cause of even greater distress beyond themselves, if they don’t stay quiet.
This kind of bullying is probably the most dangerous in that it can lead victims to self-harm or end their own lives.
The obvious kind is such that perpetrators can be called out on because it’s not always so disguised.
One type seems to revolve around more physical abuse and contact and the distress of that carried by the victim, with others aware of it or witnessing it at some stage, while the latter is purely psychologically threatening.
Like a whispered torment because the bully may also display remarkable manipulative abilities that has everybody around the victim believe the bully is really a nice person, forcing contempt for the victim from those that should be protectors, friends, family or teachers.
This behavior further isolates the victim so that they eventually question their own logic and, in some part, end up providing further fuel to the whole saga without wanting too.
A vicious cycle until something snaps.
Let’s Talk Education.
The idea that good parents do not hold authority over their own children when it comes to their safety and the right to be informed in ensuring that safety is ludicrous.
Parents always have a right to know exactly what their children are learning about, from whom and where unless the parents are deemed unfit themselves by the state.
If we continue to see these waves of secrecy rise higher and higher invading the foresight of parents from their children, and they are not protected or provided options to assist where needed, then the problem is not going to go away, it’ll only get worse.
Parents are undermined and considered to not have a right to choose what their child learns about or participates in, nor have any say in the manipulation of what apparently is a now a child’s right, such as choosing to identify as anything other then what nature intended.
When did we become so enlightened by this new concept, surrounding various options that we might like to blend ourselves into?
As adults, people that want to legally choose to identify as this or that, assuming it is based on being properly informed about what it actually means long-term, and the law permits it, then that’s their cup of tea, but for kids under 18?
What else are kids under 18 generally restricted from doing, or has the system decided it wants to identify as a complete shipwreck altogether?
Kids are so mucked up, so utterly confused, so angry and disillusioned that we see the increased levels of bullying everywhere. It’s a bitter concoction.
And such options as intricate as personal identity which none of the general population really know about until they are at least 35 or more, along with sexuality and self-worth, are presented as something our children should be taught and are then taught how to be.
It begs the question:
If these other so-called candies at the candy store were not introduced would our kids be mature enough to even know what it means to decide what gender, what animal or anything else they want to be, then just themselves? Or, how to engage in activities not fit for children? Why does this need to be taught?
Talk about mind-boggling.
Why do we need to push adult concepts on kids to ensure confusion flourishes?
Parents Stripped of Authority.
Here is a small exercise to help parents refocus:
Say it: “I have authority here.”
Feel it: That protective urgency rising in your chest.
Know it: You don’t need permission to protect your own.
The megaphone never stops amplifying.
But your voice?
Your authority?
That doesn’t need amplification. Remember that.
It just needs to be used well.
Not with aggression or threats but resolve to focus just on your own part despite what others are doing.
- Stay respectful, agree to disagree if needed.
- Stop. Count to 10.
-Say it. Hear it.
-Feel it. Acknowledge it.
-Know it’s not weakness but strength.
In a Bully’s World to Fight gets Celebrated.
Flight on the other hand gets misunderstood.
But freeze?
Freeze gets called paralysis. Gets called, giving up.
Victims of bullying can be of all ages, starting at school and if not nipped in the bud early, the bully’s keep on keeping on while those effected suffer long after the event.
You perhaps recall now your own experiences.
And, if applicable, you think you’ve always been broken and that’s why you still don’t know what to do whenever you are bullied.
But your nervous system isn’t broken when it freezes.
It’s doing exactly what it evolved to do when fighting and running both feel impossible.
Try This:
-Say it: “I froze, and I’m still here.”
-Feel it: The fact that you’re reading this means you survived what made you freeze.
-Know it: Real strength isn’t the absence of freezing.
Real strength is the fact you’re still standing after the storm passed.
The rose doesn’t apologize for its thorns.
Neither should you.
If you have been a Bully.
You messed up.
-Say it.
-Feel it.
-Know what it confirms.
Not that you’re broken.
Not that you should quit.
Not that you’re behind some imaginary timeline sold to you in a commercial.
It confirms you’re human and humans get it so wrong sometimes, but it is the willingness to not only say you will change in order to keep some kind of control over harming others, no.
It means taking fair and certain action, like seeking outside professional help that allows change for the better.
Mistakes aren’t evidence of overall failure as a person.
They’re evidence of existence.
Of trying.
Of being here to mess up in the first place, BUT we don’t want to mistake the action of bullying others as just a simple mistake or misunderstanding.
It’s not.
Bullying is an Intentional Act that takes Premeditated Thought.
-Say it: “I failed myself and others and I’m going to make serious changes to how I behave”
-Feel it: That relief when you stop pretending perfection is what everybody wants around you.
They don’t.
They want respect, so learn about what it means.
-Know it: The goal is not to avoid mistakes in general, they happen, but it is to get yourself help so you no longer cause pain and hurt deliberately.
By Example.
Cyberbullying has definitely made the act of bullying extensive.
The use of technology has fast-tracked the issue to frightening new levels.
To some the recent ban on social media accounts for users below a certain age has been a welcomed decision and with distress peaks rising higher consistently then it would be wise for all institutions to take a leaf out of Denmark’s book when it made a study of empathy mandatory for all students in 1993 ages 6 - 16 on a weekly basis and has continued with it since.
Results?
Denmark is understood to be one of the happiest places on earth.