Third Wheel Phenomenon - (part two)
Addressing relationship needs / an exercise - by Xavior Geis.
Sorting Foundations.
Often what we dream of when we’re asleep can be directly linked or rooted in deeper psychological factors.
Dreams are representations, not realities.
I know there are some who will disagree with that statement. And that’s ok.
Each person must travel their own path.
But here we are discussing some additional factors to whatever you feel is your truth.
Factors that can help better proportion dreams or certainly prime thinking during waking hours that could indirectly be influencing how you perceive and respond to your life partner.
Ok, now we’re talking.
To analyze the data effectively an open mind will be required.
Projection.
The act of projecting internal parts of ourselves onto others can make us feel better but only superficially. And often we don’t even know it’s what we are doing.
It’s a subtle and manipulative form of ‘the blame game.’
When we come under pressure or scrutiny for something that’s gone wrong, it takes courage to own being the cause of it because of the ripple effect of whatever the problem has been.
We look to protect our own integrity first and throwing the ball into somebody else’s court beckons a form of relief.
But is it?
If we are generally mindful then there’s always guilt that follows so as much as possible, we want to avoid passing the ball.
Keep in Mind:
Be Mindful of Your Actions.
Make Deliberate fair decisions that benefit not only yourself but others too.
Be ready to apologize, but also prepared to respectfully address how the other persons behavior has impacted you
Avoid Accusations, even if you do have a case in cause, it will only start arguments or fuel those still simmering.
TIP -
If there is any ounce of blame still lingering in your heart, do not approach the other person until you are able to do so calmly.
All you have to do is just try to see the part that you have played despite what others did or did not do.
And that’s not going to be easy, but it will be honest.
See it and then apply the same behavior to yourself in your mind’s eye as though it is you, listening to yourself in place of your partner.
If you hurled abuse - even if it was in response to another’s abuse - all you need to do now, once you have cooled off might I add, is actively own that ‘you hurled abuse.’
That’s it.
For this exercise the aim is to zoom in on actions only, not the why’s or what for’s.
Why?
Because these are secondary.
Valid yes, but second on the working list.
Right now, you might be thinking that you have never looked at things like this before. And that’s ok.
Many of us don’t because we have never learned to.
We have been conditioned entirely differently. And now we are calling it out.
Let’s About Turn.
In our waking hours everything we process by way of sight, touch, smell and hearing is recorded by the subconscious and connected to an event.
These countless moments each day accumulate to form memories. Good and bad. Then depending on our foundational conditioning as kids and the interconnected scenarios thereafter, we as a ‘self’ become defined.
If there is anything that doesn’t resonate as healthy to your mind and body, despite it being memorialized by parents and habitual in adult life, our system knows this.
It responds by signaling an uncomfortable deep awareness that what is off is bad.
We respond to how consistent that signal is.
If it plays frequently, we perceive this to be our personal truth.
e.g.: We as a person are bad, unlovable or worthless.
Unless the apparent truth is questioned then it will always spiral out of control.
Tapping In.
Realizing that this perception is incorrect can be emotionally groundbreaking.
What it means is although at the outset it feels like you’re lying to yourself by calling the perception out, it is also acknowledging that a ‘perception’ or a ‘projection’ built off our experiences, remains only that.
These things do not describe fact.
To clarify. What somebody has experienced is real to that person. It is valid as a lived experience. But how the event is interpreted might actually be different from what actually happened.
How?
Because the thing that took place was an outcome.
The emotional response to that outcome will categorize it into various forms dependent on each person’s unique makeup.
This is why you can have a group of strangers who have gone through the same event but only one becomes a teacher, another a student of further matters associated, another convinced they can never do anything right and somebody else turning to crime, suicide or overeating for example.
In no way however do individual outcomes suggest that what is bad or improper has been over exaggerated by those who have suffered in more dire ways based on their own response code.
Nobody should ever be disrespected for having their own truth.
But what it does show is the differences in people with response patterns that potentially will shut them down, or emotionally disable them in some way, that provided the proper coaching, could also climb out and above the trauma like others have done.
Realistically, this is not stating that events can just be cleared entirely like a wiped memory stick, because as we’ve noted, the brain remembers.
Yet the memories need not be locked in without room for growth and the power of replacement patterns. In fact, the brain is wired for flexibility and is ever evolving based on what we choose to feed it.
Who said that misfitting jigsaw pieces all slap-hazardously and crammed together to try and make a picture can’t be rearranged?
So, let’s make the picture more right.
And that’s where the one-on-one assistance with a cognitive therapist can be invaluable for those that choose to try this.
Hold Onto This:
It is never a sign of weakness to seek the proper help.
It takes courage.
Back to Dreams.
When we have a lot of unresolved areas in life that need to be repositioned to improve our jigsaw puzzle, the brain will continue to create image formations that represent our awkward, mismatched pieces. *
Breaking Down the Third Wheel.
So far, we have discussed some nitty-gritty things but what about the whole dreaming of one’s partner cheating?
What we have discussed is some necessary groundwork to better understanding of what such a dream, particularly if it persists, is all about.
To understand the dream, you must understand yourself.
Too, the groundwork has been prepared to assist you in not just finding a band-aid solution. It gets down to the underlay.
I know you want that. That’s why you’re here.
As you may have guessed, inside a dream about your partner cheating, you are the third wheel.
Its uncomfortable, painful, awkward and hated.
It effects how you feel all day.
And for those who have lived with such an ongoing dream it no doubt has caused immense havoc, because after a while, it feels like a truth and with that feeling your response is not a kind one.
Nobody who cherishes their relationship would tell you any differently.
That’s why we are now going to grab that third wheel and take a look at its annoying spokes. They really have been getting in the way right, pretending to describe you?
Dreaming of your partners affair either based on it really having happened in the past to it hypothetically manifesting, can indicate that someone or something is in fact coming in between you both BUT,
Hold your horses.
This does not mean it as you necessarily imagine.
It’s important to get a grip on any strong emotions here because if your thinking is wrong, you may regret the path it will take you down. So be careful.
You love your partner and the fear of losing them is strong, hence your emotions, and hence the groundwork.
Consider the Following:
Areas that need attention in order to weigh up the facts and discover what your brain is saying by way of its nightly cleaning:
Work.
New Hobby.
New Baby.
Friends.
Other
The dream shows that your brain is aware of some shift in your life and will communicate the deeper perception of that change based on your lived experiences and its memories.
And the brain likes to use the strongest message-image it has if it remembers you reacting with the strongest response to that image, equaling a call to action.
So do take a think.
Have you started a new job, has your spouse?
Has there been a sudden reduction in hours making it hard to pay the rent/mortgage?
Has a new baby come into your life greatly reducing the time your partner has for you?
It could be anything.
That call might not be an emergency call though; it might be a call for acknowledgement of the shift to allow mental space for growth moving forward.
Too, if there are past memories of a disloyalty of some kind, even as a child, then again, the call keeps re-surfacing for rectification to allow room for the adaptive measures so far that the brain has been working hard to reinforce.
-Damn that’s some power factory right there. Thanking you squishy grey.
If the dream feels emotionless and matter of fact, everybody in the dream open about it, then this is a sign you are addressing a new angle practically.
On the other hand, if you experience ongoing deep upset and your partner in the dream tries to hide the affair, don’t make the mistake of believing it is a sure sign of infidelity.
It’s not.
A dream like this can be based on long-term patterns of insecurity and low self-esteem issues; trust issues in general no matter your partner and is a definite sign you have past trauma that is not fully healed.
Do you see the importance of knowing yourself a little better?
Not to make an excuse for any wrong behaviors directed toward you, but to empower you to understand what it positively is, YOU bring to the relationship.
Remember, it’s all too easy to have a list of what our partners should be and do, but don’t forget there is always two lists. One from each side.
Two lists of boxes waiting for checkmarks that neither of you can ever completely fulfill. Not for want of trying, or want of interest or devotion or loyalty, it just is not possible because none of us are perfect specimens. None of us have the tools.
Being honest with ourselves and taking ownership of what part we played that failed us in one instance, can allow us to try better in the next.
It allows for the needed space to grow and change beside one another, while united with one another simultaneously without the threat of divorce looming like a harpy eagle, because we each can learn properly if we allow the process and are dedicated to it, to become better versions of ourselves and for each other.
And that is, what love is.
It’s the principal of it, not the rosy emotion and self-serving lust we are trained in this commercialized world to think it should be.
And of course, not every person lets themselves be trained by it so easily either.
There are some real gentlemen and ladies out there in jeans and shirt and easy shoes.
They don’t think they’re anybody special but because they appreciate the work involved in anything that’s worthwhile, they find more smiles in their days.
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Cont. reading in part three.
If you are enjoying this four-part series, why not include a friend or two so they can enjoy it with you.
* (See article: ‘Why We Dream’ - ORB X NEWS)
